The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ~George Bernard Shaw
If you ask a couple that you look up to how they have kept their marriage together, what would their answer be? Most likely, it would be one word: COMMUNICATION. While this can be true, counterfeit communication can tend to make situations worse than they were originally. But how do you know if you’re actually communicating within your relationships or if you’re not? Well, I suppose the only way to know is to see what comes after your communications. Did you feel uplifted or more aware of what was going on, or more frustrated? What do you want to gain from communicating, and how are you trying to get there? We will look at a few destructive messages, as well as ways to improve our communications with others.
There are two ways to communicate: Non-verbal communication (this can be facial expressions, tone of voice, body language etc.), and verbal communication (the actual words that you are saying). Many times within these situations, each person takes on a form of three kinds of communicators. You may become placatory (always agreeable, and always trying to please), the blamer (always finding fault with other people, situations, or objects), or the computer (only logically analyzing everything being communicated). You may be a mix of more than one communicator at a time as well. But the first step in communicating is first finding where your own heart is at. Is it at war or at peace? After that, you can start to focus on how to improve your communication.
Here are some destructive messages in communicating that would be helpful to avoid:
1. Ordering, such as you would with children (ex. you have to… or you must… or you need to…)
2. Threatening
3. Moralizing (ex. you should…)
4. Providing solutions (this sounds like a solution but it’s a show of superiority)
5. Lecturing
6. Ridiculing
7. Analyzing (ex. you’re only doing this because…)
8. Interrogating
So what can you do to improve communication instead? You can:
1. Take the initiative in communication
2. Resist distractions while in a conversation
3. Control your emotions and your tendency to respond before your partner is finished
4. Ask questions and rephrase to clarify your partner’s meaning
5. Make use of the sped of your thoughts by summarizing
6. Practice your listening skills with everyone you talk to
There are also a lot of common communication errors that occur such as:
1. Truth
2. Blame
3. Defensiveness
4. Martyrdom
5. Put-down
6. Labeling
7. Sarcasm
8. Counterattack
9. Scapegoating
10. Diversion
11. Self-blame
12. Hopelessness
13. Demandingness
14. Denial
15. Helping
16. Problem solving
17. Passive aggression
18. Mind reading
So what can we do when fear, pride, and truth get in the way of being able to communicate effectively in our relationships? There are five secrets, or keys, of effective communication that I want to share. These keys are going to allow you to switch your heart from being at war to being at peace as you try to communicate and understand how best to resolve the issues that may arise in your relationships—marital or not.
1. Disarming technique- This is when you find truth in what the other person is saying. Even if you think what they have to say is completely false and ridiculous, find some nugget of truth, and make sure the other person knows you have found truth in what they have said.
2. Empathy- There is feeling empathy (trying to feel what the other person is feeling) and thought empathy (trying to think like the other person is thinking). By paraphrasing, checking for understanding, and acknowledging how the other person is probably feeling, you can come to see from their perspective a lot clearer.
3. Inquiry- Ask them gentle probing questions to understand what they are thinking and feeling (this helps with step 2).
4. I feel statements- Instead of pointing blame or labels on the other person, mention instead how the situation is making you feel (ex. “I feel upset” rather than “you’re making me mad”).
5. Stroking- this is when you show the other person that you are wanting to be on their side and that you respect and love them. This is making sure that you are seeing them as a real person and agent rather than an object to be acted upon.
Communication is key in a marriage or any other relationship. But just because we can talk to each other doesn’t mean we’re communicating. Communication is one thing that we all can constantly improve on and become better at. Jump out of your own shoes and into someone else’s for a change and see how your communication can create a stronger relationship.
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