“Hey, so this may be a bit forward… but me and some friends are doing a group date this week, and I was wondering if you wanted to go?” This simple question is one of the most life changing questions that I ever have received. On January 21, 2018, my sweet boyfriend Jordan asked me this question after both of us had given talks in front of our church congregation. We had met about an hour prior, and we barely knew anything about each other. How grateful I am, however, that Jordan had the courage to ask me on a date.
But wait… why would I be talking about dating within a family relations blog? Well believe it or not, dating precedes the family unit—so dating has everything to do with families!
When an adolescent hits puberty, boys go from gross to cute and girls go from having cooties to pretty. But how does this happen? The answer is in the way we view the opposite gender—attraction. When we find someone attractive, we tend to add them to our potential mate list until we can filter through them. Dating is the natural way of doing so.
Going on dates allows us to see our potential mate in different situations. Dating should be more than hanging out. Hanging out is very passive, whereas dating is active. Effective dating should be planned, paid for, and paired off. There should be a destination or goal for the date.
John Van Epp, PhD in counseling and Psychology and author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, explains that there are three ways to come to know someone through dating. It is important to get to know someone before you can move forward in a relationship. In order to know someone, you have to have three things: Time, togetherness, and talk. In order to really know someone in a dating relationship, you have to spend at least 3 months with them. To have togetherness, there needs to be shared activities that enhance each other’s knowledge of the other person—how they act, what they like, etc. Mutual self-disclosure is important through talking to get to know someone. Each aspect allows you to get to know someone better.
Once we find someone that we want to get to know better and more thoroughly, we start to exclusively date. Our relationship with that person then can progress and grow.
There are many aspects that can affect our relationship quality. Shared values and beliefs, religion, education, age, common backgrounds, culture, and similar SES background are just a few. Having a lot of these aspects in common actually helps a lot in marital success. Many high school sweethearts have more common aspects than others. Because of this need for commonality, it is important to continue going on dates, even after marriage. Dating allows a couple to continue having different experiences together.
So as old fashioned as dating seems, it may be just the thing that will allow you and your significant other to continue to progress together. Whether that is a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, or even if you’re on the hunt for a partner in general, dating is and always will be an important aspect of your relationship. Since that first date, Jordan has taken me on countless dates, allowing us to get to know each other in a variety of situations and experiences. We have gone road tripping, hiking, done yard work, babysat, played music together, gone razor riding, and a lot more. We have also spent a lot of time talking about the past, present, and future—our goals, aspirations, fears, hopes, and dreams. I have loved seeing him frustrated, happy, hyper, annoyed, excited, content, peaceful, and mad. I have loved that he has seen me in the same ways. Although we have a good basis, Jordan and I are working together to continue to get to know each other. We go on dates frequently. I love that I can continue to get to know Jordan each and every day, and dating allows that to happen.
So what are you waiting for? Go ask your special person on a date!
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