“I DO” are some of the most exciting words many couples will say. On a wedding day, these words commit a couple to becoming one. But do we really anticipate what marriage is all about before tying the knot?
As previously mentioned in my last blog post, dating is the very beginning of a relationship. After dating a variety of people, and you find someone that you could potentially see yourself moving forward with, you begin to court—to date exclusively. After dating exclusively, there may come a time when you decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with this special person. That is where the ring comes in. Once you are engaged, you are working towards marriage.
Engagement is a huge step because there is a lot to do during that time, whether that is a few weeks or a few years. But what is there to do? Here are some good ideas to do and talk about with your fiancé when you are engaged and preparing for your future together.
During an engagement, it is the time to firm up your relationship contract. When you get engaged, it is smart to start looking towards how to merge your two lives together—budgets, finances, and insurance are a good first look at things. Where do you two stand? How will you manage your finances together? As found by the American Bar Association, Elder Marvin J. Ashton has said that “89% of all divorces can be traced to quarrels and accusations over money.” That’s huge! Being on the same page financially will bless your marriage more than you may think.
Along with finances, it is important to start looking at how you will handle other situations in respect to your own growing relationship, such as how often you will go on dates, how much time you will spend with each side of the family, what boundaries need to be set in place with other outside relationships. It also could benefit you to talk about what roles each of you will play within the family you two will create, and how your needs may be met by your future spouse and as a future father or mother.
You will have the opportunity to talk about your expectations, your values, your parenting beliefs, and social activity levels of recreation. Engagement is the time to step towards marriage, and not just slide into it.
Most importantly, the engagement is a time where you both can plan the wedding—TOGETHER. Putting more emphasis on the relationship rather than just on the material things will make this experience draw you together rather than put distance between the two of you.
But wait! The communication does not stop there! Oh no, there are many more exciting conflicts to be had! And it starts within the very first month of marriage. Some of these conflicts begin before the first month of marriage, but are increased as you start your lives together.
Some of these conflicts to talk out with your new spouse include (but are definitely not limited to):
1. Financial compilation (hopefully you’ve begun working through this before now)
2. Sharing a bed- this one may seem a bit unordinary, but many times one spouse will want to cuddle and other won’t be able to sleep unless left alone. This causes more issues that you may think.
3. When to have children and how many you want to have
4. The quality and quantity of sexual intimacy
5. Splitting responsibilities—make sure to talk about who will be the breadwinner, what will happen when children come along, and how homemaking will be taken care of.
6. What new traditions you and your spouse want to create
7. Values and morals, including religious views
8. How to share space, like the bathroom or the closet
9. Habits that both of you may have
10. Where boundaries are and what is and is not ok around each other
If this doesn’t get you excited for marriage, I don’t know what will! But in all seriousness, even through the conflicts that you and your spouse/fiancé/significant other are facing, the task of early marriage is to become one. You both will face countless issues, but you both have the choice to either work towards “until death do us part” or not. As you work on communication, you will find a way for both of you to work through anything that comes your way. And just like that, you’ll have grown old and more in love. Happy growing!
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