“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” ~ A.A. Milne
Chaos. Crisis. Confusion. All of these words denote one thing: something unknown has unexpectedly entered the scene. But isn’t the only predicable thing in life, change? Sometimes this change is wanted, but other times it isn’t. Not only that, but we are also not prepared for it, and it surprises us at what seems to be the worst times possible. A car breaks down, your house burns down to the ground, a flood takes away your whole city. Some things can create financial stress, along with some emotional and nostalgic trauma. But what about other crisis that can hit a family? A death of a child or spouse/parent. A divorce. An affair. A child with addictions. A family member who goes to jail. A disability or chronic illness. What about issues like these?
Well no matter what stress hits a family, the only factor that really can determine the outcome is YOU. Do you act or react? Do you become better or bitter?
There are different ways to cope with family crisis. Some are more effective than others. But how do you know which are better than others? Well, here are a couple of ineffective patterns, followed by more effective coping.
The first ineffective coping pattern is that of denial. This is when you refuse to believe that the crisis has actually happened. Many times, this is ignoring the issue and pretending like life has not changed at all.
Second, there is avoidance. This looks a bit different than denial, simply because you do admit that there is a crisis, but you decide to avoid it and try to live life despite the effects that have taken place.
The third and last ineffective coping pattern I will explain is that of scapegoating. This is when you find someone or something else to blame. This can be a family member, a circumstance, or something else.
So how can you effectively cope then?
To effectively cope, you first must take responsibility of the issue. This means not only acknowledging the issue, but also facing it full on and working on finding a solution.
Second, you must affirm your own and your family’s worth. You have to understand that just because there is a crisis in your family, that does not mean that your family is broken and uncapable of getting back up on your feet. Yes it takes more effort and time to heal, but only if you truly love and care about yourself and your family will you find that healing.
Third, you must balance your self-concern with other’s concerns. In crisis, it is very common for an individual to either turn inward in order to work through the issue, or to only focus on those around them and neglect their own self needs. If you only focus on you, then you neglect your family’s needs. But if you never take time to build your own emotional reserve, you will never have the strength needed in order to effectively help your family as well. It is all a balancing act, but one that you CAN ACHIEVE.
Fourth, You can learn the art of reframing. This is redefining the meaning of something or changing your perspective. The quote by A.A. Milne shows this art. Many people will also use humor to cope and reframe their perspective.
Finally, find and use available resources around you. Whether this is your emergency fund, extended family members and other support groups, or communities around you that help with the crisis that has hit your family, you can find strength from without the situation.
Crisis isn’t something anyone wants to deal with. But what comes from that crisis is up to you. What will you choose?
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